Walking The Tightrope Without The Safety Net

This post is a bit more personal, but I'm going to give it a go...

I have been reading Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being, which I'm quite enjoying. Something in particular in this novel has stricken me - Milan writes, " Being in a foreign country means walking a tightrope high above ground without the net afforded a person by the country where he has his family, colleagues, and friends, and where he can easily say what he has to say in a language he has known from childhood." This really resonated with me, and is particularly true to my current experience in Thailand. I couldn't have come up with a more perfect analogy.

Someone once told me that I was someone who needed a safety net wherever I went. I was angered by this, because I felt that this statement made me weak, I thought, "What, you don't think I can survive without social reassurance?" Despite my immediate reaction, I think he might have been right about me at the time. I realize now that yes, my whole life I have been granted a safety net, and whenever I felt it slipping away, I made sure it stayed there. For one, I was in a relationship for years, and prior to that, I lived in the comfort of home. Last year, in the interim, I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by incredible people. Even while living in Argentina (granted I did speak the language, but still another foreign experience), I created for myself a safety net of wonderful people. And really more than that... these people who are part of my so-called "safety net" are friends I know I can count on no matter what.

I think my experience so far is teaching me how to walk the tightrope without the safety net. I do not mean to say I have not met any wonderful people here, because I have, and some may become a part of my incredible web of friends who constitute my safety net. But for now at least, I am without a safety net, and please don't feel sorry for me. It's quite liberating! At first, I desperately felt the urge to recreate some sort of a social web of reassurance for myself here, but last Saturday, I got into a minor (do not fret) car accident, which made me stop and think about this for a second. In fact, in many ways, I came here to Thailand to escape the "safety net." I could have chosen to go somewhere "safer," but I chose Thailand where I had no connection to anything. Indeed, my life felt too "safe," I wanted just this once in my life, to feel like I owed nothing to no one. Because, I have my entire life to have a safety net to catch me when I fall.

For those wondering what happened the other night, this is what happened... I was in the back of a truck, when a dog ran in front of it. My friend who was driving had to break very suddenly. As I was rummaging through my bag at that moment, not holding onto anything, I flew across to the front where my head crashed into a metal bar. I'm fine, on the recovery, a little concussion and some painkillers have done me wonders... ha.

The next day, the concussion was in full effect, I suddenly felt the desperate urge to be caught and wound up writing an email to my closest female friends who I consider a part of my safety net. In retrospect, I can see now that I just wanted to make sure it was still there, maybe at a distance, but still there. The next morning, my mother called me in hysterics after having received an alarming call from one of oldest and dearest friends who was very concerned. When I later checked my email, I noticed that nearly everyone had written back worried emails. These are friends from as far back as 20 years and as recent as about a year ago. It felt so good to know that they are all still there. A little reassurance never hurt anyone!

So, a concussion and a few painkillers later, I feel that now I am in a good place: I've accepted and am experimenting with the "no safety net" -ness, but at the same time, I know it is just an email away... and who knows, it might just happen for me in Thailand...?

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